If you're feeling masochistic, you may want to step into the nearest Starbucks and buy yourself a cup of joe. It's not that the coffee is bad. It's the new age coffee culture that kills.
Has anyone else noticed how difficult it is to get a plain cup of coffee these days? While standing in the caffeinated purgatory that is a Starbucks line-up, I recently went through the following hell:
"Grande non-fat 190-degree machioto." Shuffle forward, as Starbucks becomes a WWII submarine and every order is repeated twice.
"Grande non-fat green tea latte." Shuffle forward.
"De-caf grande caramel latte." You want strawberries with that? Shuffle forward.
"Tall extra hot, extra pumped chai with whipped cream." Picky, picky. Shuffle forward.
"Grande de-caf, non-fat latte…with a sweetener."
You know you could never like a guy that orders non-fat anything, let alone someone that throws a sweetener in it when he's done.
The language of Starbucks amuses me. There is not a chance that any of these people knew what "grande" was ten years ago. Likewise chai, latte, or machioto. How did they learn the lingo? They must have been nervous the first time they used ten words to order a cup of coffee, some in a different language to boot. Or perhaps it just comes naturally to people that think there's no easier way to sound sanctimonious than to specify that their coffee be served at exactly 190-degrees. And what about the prices they pay? When a large (pardon me - venti) latte costs almost as much as a six pack of beer, you know things are seriously out of whack.
Coffee shops used to be for smokers and cops. No longer. Now they are reserved for the SUV crowd, the kind of people that would be aghast if someone ordered the same beverage as them. They don't seem to realize how comedic this all is. "Extra hot, extra pumped" sounds more like an order you'd hear in a Panama City cathouse than a suburban coffee shop.
The days of the old boys sitting around the coffee shop are long gone. This worries me. They have nowhere left to go. My last visit to Starbucks gave me an image that made me cringe. Say what you want, but there is something depressing about watching an old man read his morning paper while he drinks iced frappuccino through a straw.
Still, I have my fun. There is no better sight in the morning than the Starbucks Frown. That's what you receive when you tell the Starbucks flunky that you want a "medium coffee." My inner voice screams with delight when the high school girl or aged retiree frowns in disapproval, then says, "A grande Breakfast Blend?"
Whatever. Just make it to go.
2 comments:
Yes, what happened to all the hype about no caffiene?
What you said is sooooo true! My first Starbucks experience, was when I was going to school in New York back in 1998. (for the record, I'm a Tim Horton's gal all the way!) Anyways, I walked in and waited in line and I was actually a bit nervous because everyone was ordering so quickly and I think there were seven words involved with one drink order. I just wanted a hot chocolate, so when it was my turn, I said "A large hot chocolate please." She gave me this look like I had three heads. That's when I first was introduced toGrande, Tall...etc...and then it was "Do you want a white hot chocolate, peppermint hot chocolate....you get the idea...anyways, it was so intimidating at first, how crazy is that! Anyways, whatever happened to less is more? Great blog!
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