You're Hot - But Not Like a Steak, That Would Be Mean

Pardon the double pun, but sex in New Zealand just got harder to come by. According to one newspaper, Kiwi vegans have declared that they will not have sex with anyone who eats meat. They are calling themselves vegansexual. As if any red blooded human would care, since their “no meat touches these lips” mantra implies that they don’t agree with oral sex, either.

I can’t remember the first time I heard the word vegan (pronounced vee-gan), but it was sometime back in the ‘90s. I thought a vegan was some new character from Star Trek. Turns out, I was correct. These alien creatures look like human beings, but they aren’t. At least, not to hear them tell it. According to one vegan, she won’t have sex with a meat eating man because, "When you are vegan or vegetarian, you are very aware that when people eat a meaty diet, they are kind of a graveyard for animals."

Uh-huh.

First thing’s first: you’re an animal, my vegan friend. You are a Homo sapien. You’re not far separated from swinging in the trees. You were not put on this earth as a fibre-friendly, hemp skirt wearing know-it-all. You are, and always have been, an animal. I know it grosses you out to think so, but your mother’s umbilical cord loaded you with enough animal product to get you onto this planet. Then she filled you with enough animal milk (breast fed or store bought, it’s all the same thing) to keep you alive.

You can sue mom later, but it was her as animal mother, and you as animal daughter, that made you what you are today. Without ingesting animal products, you wouldn’t have grown up to become such a pain in ass at the local deli when the lunch line is ten deep and the people behind you need to get back to work.

Second, the broccoli you eat is loaded with animal products. Same with the carrots, turnips, and squash. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, and it all goes into the ground and comes back as your veggie-burger.

The vegetarian movement doesn’t bother me too much. It provides for great entertainment. As soon as I hear that a vegetarian is seated at the table, I order the veal. Veal is bar none the food that vegans detest most. It is the poster food for ‘bad meat eater.’ I usually stop short of saying ‘moo’ when it arrives in front of me, but it is still fun all the same.

Two questions for the vegans. The first, from PJ O’Rourke: if meat is murder, are eggs rape?

The next question’s mine: if you require surgery at some point in your life, will you allow a blood transfusion?

Please explain.