Pride

Pride Week is in the news in Toronto. I think it used to be called "Gay Pride Week," but they dropped the "Gay" and kept the "Pride." I'd love to think that's because we're all in this together: the Happy Mosaic. But, being a card carrying pessimist, I figure it has to be for more commercial reasons. When you call something "Pride Week," it can mean anything for anybody. Easier to sell Coca-Cola that way.

On the Pride Week website, the logo is the gay rainbow flag, overlaid by sketches of a person in a wheelchair, a protester with a picket sign, someone doing a handstand (Dancer Pride?), someone leaning on a cane with their other arm reaching upwards (Old Man Picking Peaches Pride), a robust person standing with hands on hips (Umpire Pride), and someone else jumping in the air, microphone reaching to the heavens (Van Halen Pride). Though all of the sketches are outline drawings of white figures, I don't think I'm going out on a limb to say that they didn't mean to underscore White Pride. Imagine the riotous news highlights from Yonge Street, as old men with canes beat neo-Nazis about the knees while people in wheelchairs scrambled for cover by mowing down drag queens.

Underneath the busy all-inclusive logo are the words Can't Stop. Won't Stop. Can't stop what? Doing handstands? They don't say. One thing that has stopped are the protests. The protester in the logo looks like something from a bygone era. There are no more protests at Gay Pride - er, Pride Week.

I hate lame slogans. Just because Barack Obama rode to victory on a vapid "Yes, we can!" deal doesn't mean it has to become a trend.

From the website: "Can't Stop, Won't Stop is the most important element for our fearless unstoppable partner organizations that create the most vibrant cultural diversity of Official Pride Week Events in our LGBTTIQQ2S communities are taking place with the spirit of Pride during the Festival" said Frank Folino, Official Pride Week Events Coordinator.

LGBTTIQQ2S? No, it's not another flu, a la H1N1. I'll let Mark Steyn explain: "Well, apparently:

LGBTTIQQ2S means "Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transsexual, Transgendered, Intersexual, Queer, Questioning, 2-Spirited..."

"2-Spirited" is, I believe, a bisexual Native-American, rather than "too spirited" as in Anne of Green Gables.

Look, let's be real: LGBTTIQQ2S is probably the funniest thing I've read in weeks. It's trying so damn hard that it's a laugh. You can't say it. Can't pronounce it. Can hardly read it. When you have to copy and paste your handle for fear of spelling it wrong every time you hit the keyboard, you know something's funny about it. Intersexual? What, exactly, is that? The only part of the label that I get is the "questioning" part, as in the question, "Are you serious?"

I remember at school that there was an outfit called GBLAM. The first three letters stood for Gay, Bisexual, and Lesbian. Simple. To the point. Easy to remember, in a Marvel Comics kind of way: "GUH-BLAM!" They must be having fits with their name nowadays.

The website says there's a lot going on this week. There's the Pride Parade, the Dyke March, and a street fair. And more: "Celebrate Pride Toronto with art and music with a noon hour performance by 2009 Honoured Dyke Faith Nolan..."

Sounds like a blast.

There is one thing that might attract me to the once-protesting-now-celebrating festivities: Maple Pictures and Pride Toronto invite you to be one of the first to see the soon-to-be lesbian classic "The Baby Formula" and have a chance to party with the stars! Setting aside the desperation in "soon to be classic," any hetero dude would love a chance to party with the stars from a lesbian movie.

Poor Gay Pride Week. It used to be a way to tell The Man to stick it. Now it's lame. The website trumpets that Pride Week "is ranked as one of the TOP 50 festivals in Ontario by Festivals and Events Ontario." Yay! Can't stop, won't stop!

Consider me Questioning. Query: "Does Ontario have 50 festivals?"

Update: The answer is yes, and then some. They now have a top 100 list. The Tulip Festival is numero uno. Bummer.