"That's Not Exactly What We Would've Expected."

I save most of my contempt for sportscasters, but usually plain old "journalists" are good for a laugh, too.

Someone had the heart to put together some of 2011's worst moments from TV news. Here they are.

Master Criminals

It's been at least ten minutes since I saw a story that made me say, "Idiots."

I thought I'd share this one.

Police say they stole thousands of dollars in cash and goods, and then posed with their loot and posted the photos to a popular social media site.

Police say the three suspects, along with another teen, posted the photos on Facebook about an hour after they burglarized Elliott’s Town Market on Chartiers Avenue in the West End.

Here's the rest.

Photo: Pittsburgh Bureau of Police

Prometheus - Preview

Yes, another quickie movie trailer post, but what can I say, things are busy.

This is the welcome return of Ridley Scott to the sci-fi genre. Does the spaceship look suspiciously like the one at the beginning of Alien? Yes. Did Ridley Scott direct the first Alien? Yes. Is this probably some kind of Alien prequel? Yes.

Will you find me at the front of the ticket line? You're godda-- er, yes.

The Dark Knight Rises - Preview

I liked the last couple of Batman flicks, though it's always lame when they retread past villians - in this case, Catwoman. But who's kidding who, I'll see it.

Here's my review from the last Batman picture called, er, The Dark Knight. I guess he's rising this time. Or something.

This Just In: Flying Sucks

Pardon me if I'm not slack jawed with surprise:

If the thought of traveling during the Christmas holidays makes you ill, you're in good company. A new travel industry survey finds that 39 percent would rather take the bus than fly.

Irked by new travel security requirements, higher traffic and the clutter of presents, many air travelers express frustration about flying.

If anyone today told me that they "enjoyed" flying, I'd call the men in white coats.

Photo: seenonvarick.com

Movie of the Year?

Come on. You know you like it already.

It's also nice to see that Arnie's done with that political mumbo jumbo and can now give us something to really appreciate. (If you think I'm kidding, I'm not; I want one more "I'll be back," before he throws in the towel on action flicks).

Down Go the Packers

And that's that.

Looks like we'll have to wait until next year's "Can they go undefeated?" story. There always seems to be a team that flirts with it.

Photo: Jamie Squire/Getty Images

Chris Pronger and The Answer to the Concussion Epidemic

NHL defenseman Chris Pronger is out of the Philadelphia Flyers' lineup for the rest of the season due to concussion symptoms.

I'm not a doctor, but if they're ready to declare the rest of the season a bust, then he must be a wreck.

I've only had what I think were two concussions in my life, both when I was a kid. One hurt like hell and left me dizzy for more than a day. Another left me with a headache for a while, but not much more. I can't imagine what it must be like to stumble through several months with a scrambled head.

The Twitterverse is going bonkers right now, with thousands of tweets discussing a concussion epidemic in the NHL, and what to do about it.

How about: stop playing hockey? And football?

I'm sure any hockey fan or football mom would accuse me of being trite with that answer, but I really don't know what else to say when I see tweets like this:

Expert neurologist Dr. Charles Tator suggests 95% of hockey concussions are preventable. Now let's hear all you hockey doctors make excuses!

That's from a hockey writer named Adam Proteau, who has penned a book called Fighting The Good Fight: Why On-Ice Violence is Killing Hockey.

Here's another tweet from sports agent Adam Walsh: But there is no concussion epidemic in the NHL. RT@BComptonNHL: #Flyers confirm Chris Pronger's season is over. Awful.

If you're not hip to Twitter yet, the "RT" means Walsh was re-tweeting somebody. His own "But there is no...." is tongue in cheek.

I'll give you one more, from Senators reporter James Gordon: Anyone else tired of seeing every good player get a concussion?

I could list dozens of them, but you get the idea.

I wrote many years ago that tens of thousands of concussions are reported in high school football in the United States each year. From little league on up to the pros, guys are getting their heads bashed in all the time. (I also wrote that in 1905, football was almost banned because 18 college students died playing it. In 1908, 33 more were killed. You want to talk epidemics?).

Here's the pertinent part:

What's incredible is that our forebears stood for it, and that college students still wanted to play the game. Helmets, pads, and various rule changes throughout the years have made the game safer, but only safer in the quotation mark sense. Today, about 8 players a year get killed playing football. That's from all levels combined, making it small potatoes compared to the old days, though a staggering number of injuries flood the locker rooms each weekend.

Concussions, for one. 40 000 of them are reported annually among high school players alone, and those are only the kids that get treated. Concussions are such a certainty that NFL teams have a chart for each player. If a player gets nailed in the head, they know what questions to ask that particular man in order to find out if he's still got all his marbles. And even if he does, that's not to say that he'll have them later on. Former players report nausea and forgetfulness well after they retire, a chronic symptom of having your head kicked in. It will be with them for the rest of their lives.

What now strikes me as strange about that football piece is that I never heard anyone talking about a "concussion epidemic" back in 2006. Indeed, the paragraph I wrote about concussions was just that: a paragraph. More or less a footnote. I took it for granted that people get concussions while playing contact sports. It came with the territory.

It still does, but the epidemic label is very recent. I am not convinced that more men are getting concussions, only that it seems like more men are getting concussions. I can't prove that. Yet. But I suspect that a) we see it more because we're looking for it. b) a rash of concussions have affected star players, with the bigger pay cheques bringing a greater focus. c) concussions make good copy right now, and sports reporters talk about it endlessly. d) teams are now ordered to look for a concussion and keep a man off the field/ice if they remotely suspect that he has one.

That last one is critical. A 'dinger' that you shook off ten years ago is now a 'concussion' that gets you pulled from the game. When's the last time you heard the words "mild concussion?" You don't hear them anymore, because our whole perception of concussions has changed.

I'm not arguing that the new perception is a bad thing. Concussions are an awful injury. But when I hear people talk about the brutal nature of the game in such broken hearted tones, I am reminded of the scene from Cinderalla Man where Braddock says, "What are you going to tell me? That boxing's dangerous?"

In the scene, several people are showing Braddock a film clip of his opponent, and telling him that there's a good chance he's going to get killed in the ring. His attitude is, "When did this become news?"

When I read the sports pages, I'm sometimes left to wonder if someone is taking a gun, putting it to a player's head, walking him out to center ice, and ordering him to stand still while someone else smacks him in the temple with a sledgehammer. The concussion stories read like reports of innocent people getting hit by lightning.

Nothing could be further from the truth. These men are going onto the ice to do one of two things: score points, or hit someone. When they are hoist on their own petard, the least surprised person in the arena should be that player (and make no mistake, if you Google Chris Pronger now, you'll find a lot of heartfelt stories about concussions; Google him a month ago, not so much; a bunch of suspensions and being booted out of playoffs games kind of ruins the tragedy narrative, so you can read up on your own time).

So yes, concussions are bad for a player's health, and seemingly everyone in North America wants to make sure that no one suffers another concussion ever again. But what to do?

Simple. If you want to play professional football and hockey, but do not want to receive a concussion, then you cannot play professional football and hockey. If you want to make hockey and football safe from concussions, then you must completely remove hitting from the games, or ban the games outright.

There. Problem solved. Until you do either of those things, there will be concussions in the game. You might as well get used to it or turn off the TV.

The men that play these games know the risks. They just do it anyway. That is why they are the toast of the town, have massive bank accounts, and get to meet pretty girls. Physical danger is the price of doing business.

If the NFL was flag football, nobody would give a damn about it.

Pronger Photo: Andre Ringuette/Getty Images

Blonde. Camera. Fail.

All right, so it might be difficult to keep your eyes on the camera in this clip. But try anyway.

The "Conservative" Ax Falls on Gingrich

The "conservatives" - whatever that is these days - down in the US have been having quite the time putting their presidential hopefuls to the torch over the past couple of months. Nobody eats their own like these folks.

In a special twofer today, the National Review decided to take out Gingrich and Perry in one swoop. Merry Christmas, guys:

Gingrich is not the only candidate whom we believe conservatives should, regretfully, exclude from consideration for the presidency. Governor Perry has done an exemplary job in Texas but has seemed curiously and persistently unable to bring gravity to the national stage.

Please. Enough with the sanctimony. If it's "regretful," you should be finding ways to put Gingrich over the top, not tighten the noose. If you don't like the guy, just say so, have a danish, and get on with your day.

Steyn, Will, Krauthammer, the National Review, the Examiner, they've all been pretty good with the ax. With writers and rags like these, who needs a DNC? Just let the "conservatives" sic their own people until you're left with some schlub who can say the words "Second Amendment" and "Free Market" without drooling too much on the teleprompter.

Let's be real. Some of these writers are the same clowns that tried to sell Sarah Palin three years ago. And now they're going to give sage advice on who should be on the GOP's ticket in 2012? (I stuck up for Palin a long time back - and still do - purely on feminist and fairness grounds. But as a presidential or VP prospect with any chance of success in the future, you can forget it).

Here we have "conservative" talk radio host Hugh Hewitt pulling out the sanctimonious stops with gusto. This is in reference to Gingrich picking on Romney, which caused panties to twist in the my-capitalism-is-better-than-your-capitalism crowd:

Newt should take Bill Kristol's advice offered on my show last night and apologize and retract the remarks. Certainly he will get that chance to day if he's anywhere near the media.

It is very difficult to be for capitalism after you have been against it in so public a fashion.

Right. Gingrich made the remark, then cashed another cheque from one of his book sales. I suspect Newt Gingrich finds it quite easy to be "for" capitalism.

Hewitt manages to grab three "conservative" life buoys to hold him up: Bill Kristol, Brit Hume, and, of course, Saint Krauthammer. I'm sure all of them at one time or another dug Donald Rumsfeld, so I'll channel him now: "You go to elections with the candidates you have." Time's running out, guys. If you can't raise Reagan from the dead or get Governor Christie to run, I'm afraid you're stuck.

Such an interesting time. All the big shot "conservatives" can't bring themselves to anoint Romney aloud, but they keep lopping off their conservative limbs until only Romney will be left.

I can't wait to read their columns then. If you think Romney or Gingrich speak in forked tongues, they'll be as nothing compared to these snakes come June.

Photo: Forbes

iPad on Airplanes

Just a week after American Airlines kicked Alec Baldwin off a flight for, among other things, refusing to shut down a piece of electronic equipment, we get this:

The Federal Aviation Administration said Tuesday that pilots on American Airlines flights would be allowed to use iPads instead of paper flight manuals in the cockpit starting Friday, as reported by ZDNet, even during takeoff and landing. But passengers are still required to shut down anything with the slightest electronic pulse from the moment a plane leaves the gate until it reaches an altitude of 10,000 feet.

The guy in 7D has to power down his phone or get reamed, but a pilot can sit on top of an airplane's controls and use an iPad.

It's becoming ever more clear that air travel was designed not only to get you from A to B faster, but also to prove that a human being's intellect and incredulity can be eradicated without much effort whatsoever.

The "Person of the Year"

Drudge has a good nose for news. He's also got a very good knack for putting two stories back-to-back and letting one shoot the other to pieces.

The latest example:

One: Time's Person of the Year: 'The Protester'

And two: Occupy Portland Mom Places 4-Year-Old Daughter On Train Tracks During Protest To Shut Down Port of Portland.

Here's video of one of Time Magazine's People of the Year. No word on how her kid's doing.

Video: Shit Girls Say

Pretty much spot on the money. Juliette Lewis makes a cameo.

Men In Black III - Preview

I don't want to be cynical and think that Tommy Lee Jones or Will Smith just needed a fat cheque. Anyway, here's the latest installment in the Men in Black series, 9 years after Men in Black II.

It's good to see Will Smith get back to his comedy roots, and a Tommy Lee Jones movie is usually worth a look. We'll see how it turns out.

Smokescreens Upon Smokescreens

Senator Barbara Boxer (D) from California:

“The message I have for climate deniers is this: you are endangering humankind [...] It is time for climate deniers to face reality, because the body of evidence is overwhelming and the world’s leading scientists agree.”

"“Wishing that climate change will go away by clinging to a tiny minority view is not a policy — it is a fantasy,” Boxer said. “Problems do not go away by pretending they do not exist. And the longer that vocal minority insists on keeping their heads in the sand, the more it endangers billions of people around the globe and threatens to dramatically and negatively reshape the world as we know it.”

Listen up, oh great and wonderful Oz. Want to hear about some facts that don't go away by pretending they don't exist? Your state's unemployment rate is currently 11.7% and you're in debt up to your eyeballs. Put down the crystal ball and worry about 3000 AD after you find some people a few jobs.

Sound good to you? Ma'am?

Flying the Stupid Skies

CBS breaks down the heinous acts of Alec Balwin, actor and flight disruptor:

American Airlines took to its Facebook page Wednesday to explain its actions after Alec Baldwin complained he was kicked off a flight for playing a Scrabble-like game on his cell phone as the plane was about to depart from Los Angeles.

Without mentioning the "30 Rock" star by name, the airline said an "extremely vocal customer" declined to turn off his phone when asked to do so by a flight attendant.

The customer then stood up "with the seat belt light still on for departure" and took his phone into the plane's lavatory, the company continued.

"He slammed the lavatory door so hard, the cockpit crew heard it and became alarmed, even with the cockpit door closed and locked," the airline's post said.

And so on. They eventually kicked him off the flight.

The horrors. He "stood up with the seat belt sign still on." We all know what an incredibly dangerous thing that is. It's not quite as bad as having your tray table down, or having a jacket sitting on your lap, but it's pretty damn dangerous nonetheless. Still, it's better than smoking. Can you imagine if he had been smoking, or tampered with the lavatory's - that's airline language for 'disgusting closet to crap in' - smoke detector?

I love the story's "cockpit door closed and locked" bit, too, as if Baldwin was going to try and commandeer the plane. Whatever.

What sheep we are. Standing up, using cell phones, going to the john, playing word games, all so earth shattering. The guy was rude and loud, so you kicked him off the plane. I get it. But I don't blame him for getting hot. Most airline staff that I have met are vacuous, rude robots themselves. I've done enough flying to know that it's a soul destroying experience orchestrated by halfwits. And please: if cell phone use truly caused problems, planes would be falling out of the sky every single day by the dozens. Let a guy play Scrabble on his phone and we can get on with the flight.

George Carlin nailed it many years ago when it came to showing how arrogant and moronic the airline industry is. Time for another look, so we can laugh at them yet again:



Photo: Paul Morigi/WireImage

Remembering Pearl Harbor

A good clip featuring people who were at Pearl Harbor on Dec. 7, 1941.

Have A Nice Flight

Unfortunately, you'll have to crank this one to hear what the ride operator's saying, but let me help you out. He says things like, "The harness is not safe right now." And, "The harness is releasing." Then.....

If you don't have time for all that, just fast forward to 1:30 for the money.


Slingshot Customer Lied To - Watch MoreFunny Videos

Tsk, Tsk, Titian

The AFP:

India on Tuesday vowed to ban offensive material from the Internet after Facebook, Google and other major firms told the government they were unable to screen content before it was posted.

"My aim is that insulting material never gets uploaded," Sibal told reporters in New Delhi. "We will evolve guidelines and mechanisms to deal with the issue.

"They will have to give us the data, where these images are being uploaded and who is doing it."

Sibal said the government supported free speech and was against censorship but that some material on the Internet was so offensive that no one would find it acceptable.

We go round and round about this stuff all the time.

Let's take that last sentence:

"Sibal said the government supported free speech and was against censorship [nonsense; you want to censor something] but that some material on the Internet [what are the limits of "some" material] was so offensive [eye of the beholder, so forth] that no one would find it acceptable [define "no one." Define "acceptable"]."

Ah, the slippery language of a censor looking for someone to hang.

The goal of censors is always the same. It's not about eliminating the art/photos/text itself, it's about eliminating the person behind it. If you control language, you control thought. The ultimate power trip comes from two little words: Shut Up.

Hence, Sibal's statement: "They will have to give us the data, where these images are being uploaded and who is doing it."

You have to respect Sibal for his honesty. Canada is really no better than India in regards to censorship. Various "human rights" commissions in Canada run roughshod over free speech all the time, and drag all kinds of people into the star chamber for punishment. At least Sibal has the guts to say what he means.

In the meantime, until someone decides that Titian was way out of line and shuts down the Internet, enjoy gazing upon his Venus of Urbino (turn your head if you're offended).

Shopping Cart Fail

I have absolutely no idea what the guys in this clip were trying to accomplish. But I'm sure glad they tried it.

The Anti-Violence Lie

Anti-bully fever is in the air lately.

The Toronto Star has the latest:

Councillor Doug Ford’s office has suggested Toronto schools look into a community service program backed by the violent mixed martial arts league, Ultimate Fighting Championship.

In an email obtained by the Star, Ford’s constituency assistant, Anna Vescio, asked a Toronto District School Board trustee to circulate a brochure touting an initiative called UFC Community Works.

According to the brochure, the program promotes “the development of discipline, respect, teamwork, honesty, time management and physical fitness” through mixed martial arts training and meetings with UFC fighters.

UFC has become notorious for its brutal, bloody, no-holds barred fighting. Mixed martial arts events were banned in Ontario until this year.

The spin later on in the piece is that schools are all about anti-violence, and mixed martial arts is a bad thing for kids to emulate. For Ford's part, he later said that he doesn't want fighting taught in schools. He wants to use the lecture services of the Community Works program to talk to kids.

As the kids might say: "Whatevs."

Ford isn't going to win on this one, now that it's out of the bag. People will see "UFC" written beside "schoolchildren" in the headlines, and that will be the end of the discussion.

I don't enjoy watching UFC fights, but I don't like hypocrisy, either. The most interesting line in the Toronto Star's story is this: "Mixed martial arts events were banned in Ontario until this year."

Yes, they were. And now they're not. Now, the province of Ontario and the city of Toronto can make hay off people beating the living crap out of each other. From licensing requirements, to taxes on overpriced cups of beer, the message from the province is simple: fighting is business, and business is good. To keep the business alive, we need people to smash each other's faces in. How about your children, Mrs. Smith?

It is only logical to conclude - as we do with hockey and football - that mixed martial arts are something that the province's children should admire. The banal sports radio hosts that talk endlessly about concussions in hockey would be the first ones to say that youth hockey is a great idea. Football damages more knees, ribs, and brains every year than mixed martial arts could ever hope to achieve, but we'll throw Johnny on the field the second a coach says, "He's got a nice arm."

The people that earnestly say that we shouldn't lie to children are likely the same people who lie when they teach kids that our society won't condone violence. The kids should think you're nuts. Violence is bad? We just made it legal to step into a ring, kick a man in the head, knock him to the ground, drop a knee into his gut, and then choke him until a) he begs for mercy, or b) the ref stops the choke hold before it kills him.

At Rogers Centre in Toronto on April 30, 2011, a total of 55,724 people paid big money to see just that. It was a record for a UFC event. And we're going to pretend that the province of Ontario has a philosophy of "anti-violence?"

Don't blame the fighter for the bloody mess you find on the floor of the octagon. He gets paid a decent buck to put that blood there, and he's got the province's blessing to do it. It shouldn't surprise you in the least if you find your son - or daughter - in there a few years down the road.

(Photo: Rogers Centre UFC April, 2011. Sportsnet.ca.)

Boozed it. Lost it.

Charlotte Observor: A Hickory man is waiting to hear the list of charges he’ll face after slamming into a DWI mobile comand center Sunday morning.

The incident happened on US 321 at the intersection of 9th street around 2:45am. Law enforcement were conducting a DWI checkpoint when a 1989 red Camaro rammed into the back of the "Booze it and Lose it" mobile unit...Authorities believe Shane had consumed alcohol prior to the crash. Charges are pending in the case."

You must be wasted if you don't see the massive Winnebago camper with the words DWI Checkpoint written on it in letters two feet high.

Side note: I'm not sure if anything says "trash" more than a 1989 Camaro rear ending an RV at 2:45am in North Carolina, but let me know.

Photo: Charlotte Observer.

Tiger - Updated - Video Link Fixed

Tiger Woods won the Chevron World Challenge today, and it was no gimme. Zach Johnson gave Tiger all he could handle, but Tiger birdied the last two holes. When he drained the putt on 18, he fist-pumped furiously as in the old days. It was good to see. Even Zach Johnson's face seemed to say, "Well, I guess it was his moment."

CBS: Woods closed with a 3-under 69, sweeping his arm when the final putt dropped, then slamming down his first in a celebration that was a long time coming. It had been 749 days and 26 official tournaments since he last won on Nov. 15, 2009 at the Australian Masters, back when he looked as though he would rule golf as long as he played.

But he crashed his car into a fire hydrant outside his Florida home on Thanksgiving night, and shocking revelations of extramarital affairs began to emerge, which eventually led to a divorce. Since then, he has changed swing coaches and endured more injuries, missing two majors this summer and missing the cut in another.

Ain't it funny how the time flies? One day you're at the top of your profession, married to a Swedish model, and you have a couple of great kids. Two years later, you're minus the wife and kids - and a whole whack of money - and you're just glad to win one tournament in the past 700 days.

Anti-Tiger talk started out two years ago as a critique of his lifestyle. As he began losing tournaments and getting injured, the talk morphed into a critique of him as a golfer who had lost his stuff. Now that he's tasted glory again, maybe he'll start rolling. Golf will be better for it.

You can catch the video here. Fast forward to :25 to see the moment of truth.

(Photo: Getty Images)

Old Guy

I ran across a blog named Altara. You can find it here.

The guy who runs it describes himself as an "Old Guy. Retired lawyer-businessman. Love living at beach in North Carolina."

He's got some good, short takes on things. Mainly politics. Check it out sometime.

Matt Millen - Expert. Right.

The Onion uses this piece as a send up of Matt Millen, of course, but let's be honest: Matt Millen doesn't have enough football credibility to fill a coffee cup anymore.

The nation's 14 million unemployed persons experienced a combination of rage, disbelief, and near-suicidal depression after seeing former Lions CEO Matt Millen—long regarded as one of the most resoundingly incompetent failures in management history—working as a football analyst on Wednesday's SportsCenter...

"Does ESPN hate football? Do they hate their viewers? Because I know about 40 unemployed guys down at the sports bar who could do that job better than Matt Millen."

It's The Onion, but boy does the story reek of truth.

The Bully Ball Busted

CBS Boston: "Lynch described a phone call she received from the school explaining that the case will be treated like sexual harassment, due to what it considers inappropriate touching.

“‘Your son kicked a little boy in the testicles. We call that sexual harassment,’” Lynch said the school told her.

Only in the bizarro world of our current planet Earth could kicking someone in the balls be called "sexual harassment."

In this case, Ms. Lynch says a boy was choking her 7-year-old son and wanted to steal his gloves. Her son responded exactly as he should have: by squaring the guy. The school reacted to that by saying there would be an investigation for sexual harassment because it involved "inappropriate touching."

Cool. Now I understand: when I inappropriately bumped into that guy on the subway, I wasn't trying to get off the subway, I was committing sexual harassment.

I wonder where we get these educators today? At Penn State, a guy literally can't get arrested for raping kids in the shower. In Boston, a kid's up on a sex rap for defending himself. In Vancouver, people are singing the blues and saying "down with bullies" because yet another poor teen killed themselves after being bullied into depression.

Note to schools: your anti-bully campaigns won't do nearly as much good as a lesson from the 7-year-old who aimed for the goal posts with his groin punt. Don't punish him. Let him teach the anti-bullying class.

Who would you trust these days: 7-year-olds who follow their instincts of self preservation, or school administrations that can't protect kids and in fact give the kid hell for protecting himself?

Arab Spring to Simmering Summer

Not great:

Judges overseeing the vote count in Egypt's parliamentary elections say Islamist parties have won a majority of the contested seats in the first round. The judges spoke on condition of anonymity because official results are expected to be released later Thursday.

Less than good:

Continued success by Islamists will allow them to give Cairo's government and constitution a decidedly Islamist character. It could also lead Cairo to shift away from the West towards the Iranian axis.

Bad:

“When I asked Shams el-Din, the Brotherhood neurologist, whether he believed that homosexuals should be stoned, he said, “Yes.” “We think that the laws should conform with what has been put forward by the revelation, using parliamentary means.”'

I was talking to an Egyptian, who said that the Muslim Brotherhood will never have control of Egypt, because the military won't give them the run of the country. I said, "What if the military simply becomes the armed wing of the Muslim Brotherhood? The MB gives them popular support in exchange for the military being a bodyguard. 'Keep your guns, just kick the asses of people we tell you to.'"

My friend blinked and said, "Don't even think that."

My friend didn't say it couldn't happen.

Photo: CNN