Happy "Holidays"

It was a holly jolly Christmas, and I have to say that I was impressed with the radio stations: almost all of them played Christmas music up to and including December 25th, and they did it with gusto. I heard the twenty-five or thirty versions of White Christmas over and over again, and there was no escaping the country singers trying to beat Luciano Pavarotti at O Holy Night.

There were some hold outs. I guess the hard rock stations would feel a bit too wimpy if they played Christmas tunes, so whenever I flicked the radio dial, I'd hear Frosty the Snowman, then Welcome to the Jungle, then Winter Wonderland, then Smack My Bitch Up.

I can't blame them. Christmas music has never translated well to hard rock. Springsteen's live rendition of Santa Claus is Coming to Town had always been a good foot-tapper, but when he giggles during the closing chorus, I blanche. I've been involved in live theater for far too long, and I know when a performer is kidding the audience. Springsteen's giggle sounds cheery and unplanned over the airwaves, but in reality he probably rehearsed it about two dozen times.

The stations didn't just play Jingle Bells, either. They actually had tunes with the word 'Christ' in them, which was pretty amazing. Perhaps my pessimism of the changing Western culture is unfounded after all. Whatever the case, the radio DJs did a fine job except, as I said, when they played country singers trying to beat the best tenor in history at his signature Christmas ditty.

So now it's time to get back to work. Mary Steyn has pointed out that Christmas in North America is a hell of a lot different than Christmas in Europe. In Europe, they take a month off to think about Christmas, warm up for Christmas, celebrate Christmas, get over the celebration, celebrate the New Year, and then take a week off for the hang over. In the USA, it's back to work immediately, and if Christmas falls on a Sunday, tough tittie, see you Monday. In Canada, they give you a little more time, but not much. Christmas is followed by a Boxing Day shopping spree, and then it's back to work you go (unless you're a shop clerk hosting the Boxing Day shopping spree, in which case you're already there).

I've never had a problem with the 'getting back to work' deal. I'm a huge Christmas fan, but at midnight on the morning of the 26th, Christmas is over. The candles go out, the satellite station is tuned from Christmas Hits to Sports Talk, and the turkey is stuffed into brown bagging sandwiches. Nothing is more depressing than hearing Christmas music after Christmas is done, except maybe seeing Christmas lights on someone's house in late February. I can give people a couple of weeks to get over the whole Christmas thing but, cold or not, get your ass on the roof and take down the cute blinking lights that are still giving passers-by a facial twitch.

Christmas is a great celebration, whatever your reason for celebrating it. If it's the birth of Christ, fine by me. Gluttonous materialism? Heigh ho, let's go. Whatever it is, it can be a hell of a lot of fun. It also beats the pants off the holidays that supposedly make December the time of "Happy Holidays."

I realize that this time of year encompasses Eid, and the nouveau phony-holiday "Kwanzaa," and the Jewish festival of lights Hanukkah. But...what do they do? I haven't heard a Kwanzaa song any time recently, and aside from the odd shopping market or four door sedan going up in smoke, there aren't too many fireworks during Eid. This is made up for by the Haj, which occurs every year and gives people a chance to trample each other (362 people died last year in one day, and so far this year, a couple of hundred have died on the pilgrimage).

As for Hanukkah, if my Jewish friends are an example, the festival of lights is a chance to boost the economy of Florida. I know for a fact that Jews don't mind Christmas. My Jewish ex-girlfriends told me that their families loved Christmas because it kept the goys (us gentiles) out of the way while the Jews hit the beach. As for Eid, that's going to be harder and harder to crowbar into the "holiday season." Eid depends on the moon, and next year it will be celebated at the beginning of October. The year after, in September. By 2015, Eid will be happening in mid-July.

I don't get why people make such a big deal about being inclusive during the holiday season, because I haven't seen much that needs including. If it's about "giving offense," then I apologize. I don't mean to offend anybody, but everyone else's parties seem to suck big time.

Now on to New Year's Eve. As the left-wing likes to say, we can do that "inclusively." We can still be "diverse" and celebrate the New Year together...can't we?

See you at the party. Or not.