Don't Anther

When it comes to living in the "natural world," we're pretty pathetic. Centuries of campfires, houses, streetlights and DVD players have turned us from robust rulers of the world to so much Spam on the hoof.

Take your average person. Place a blindfold on him, walk him five miles into the woods, and then leave him behind. There's a very good chance that the guy will wander around and die before he ever finds his way out of there. Fire building and spear making have been replaced by compasses, GPS units, and Meals Ready to Eat. Without a handy supply of food and electronics, we're toast.

That's why a story like this amuses me:

In one attempted attack, a Princeton resident spotted a cougar stalking two young children who were swimming in a river, but was able to shoot the cat before it pounced, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police said.

"Given the young age of the children the chances of surviving the pending attack would not have been great," police said in a statement.

Another cougar was killed while prowling in a campground and another near a park swimming pool, where children were playing.

Princeton is a rural community in the mountains about three hours drive east of Vancouver.

Wildlife experts say that cougars seem to be attracted to young children, possibly by their high-pitched voices and erratic movements, and that the cats may confuse them with the wildlife prey they normally seek.

I figure most wildlife experts are crackpots. They're forever rolling out the "mistaken identity" excuse. Since wildlife experts love animals, and want everyone else to love them too, they constantly preach that tigers, bears, sharks and cougars never really mean it when they rip our heads off. It's all a tragic accident. If the bear or tiger only knew a little better, he'd be a pet. But, since it was dark out or I was acting like a deer, the animal attacked me. Poor Fluffy, he's so confused.

Hogwash. Take the above story about the cougars: the cats may mistake children with "the wildlife prey they normally seek." Say what?

Can someone tell me one animal that acts like a child at a swimming pool? "Marco...Polo..." Splash, splash, splash! "Got you!" "Did Not!" "Mom, I want a hot dog!" "Billy's a jerk!"

I was out for a walk in the woods the other day and I was struck again by a) how quiet the woods are, and b) how loud we are. We're the stupidest animals going. We crash through the bush with reckless abandon, slather ourselves with mosquito repellent and sunscreen, yap at the top of our lungs, and never once look around to see if we're being hunted. If a cougar attacks us, it's not a mistake. It's easy pickings.

You can't blame the cougar for taking advantage. But don't hide it under Mr. Nice Guy stuff. The cougar population is exploding, they're looking for food and bingo: a bunch of defenseless, small animals running around a watering hole without a care in the world, or a small animal pointing and giggling as daddy trips over a log. To a cougar, that's called lunch.

Our human ego makes me laugh. "Mistaken for prey they normally seek." We are prey. We always were.

The panther is like a leopard,
Except it hasn't been peppered.
Should you behold a panther crouch,
Prepare to say Ouch.
Better yet, if called by a panther,
Don't anther.
-- Ogden Nash