Brokeback Bathroom

Can someone tell me what a Senator is doing in the john, tapping out Morse code signals on his foot and hoping to score?

The story of Republican Senator Craig is weird all the way around. I never would have thought an airport craphouse was the perfect place to pick up a one-minute stand. According to the cops, men use them all the time. They sit on the toilet, drop their pants, and tap their finger on their right shoe. This tells fellow swinging dudes that you’re looking for a good time. If your neighbor is game, he’ll run his finger along the bottom of the stall.

So that’s what that guy was doing. Here I was just sneaking a cigarette before the redeye to Copenhagen, and I accidentally gave a guy blue balls. He probably had an 18-hour flight to Auckland and I left him hanging. As it were.

The media’s been too busy crucifying the Senator to ask the penetrating questions. For instance, why are cops in the can looking for Senators that want to throw away their careers? We’ve been led to believe that the airport stiffs are searching for terrorists and mad bombers. Not the case. They’re sitting in the WC and waiting for guys to hit on them.

I wonder how long the cops spend waiting. They must be the guy in the first stall. Usually, if you go to the john in the airport, there’s a pair of shoes under the first or second door. They remain firmly planted on the ground as you go about your business, wash your hands, and exit. I’d always thought they were constipated travelers or stroke victims. Turns out, they’re gum shoes, hoping you’ll take a seat beside them and invite them to…what?

I don’t know if it’s possible to get it on in an airport toilet. I’m not gay, but it doesn’t strike me as the most romantic place to hook up. And with all the people coming and going all the time, the heavy breathing stuff is out the window. Or down the toilet. Or whatever.

The news of the Senator’s “disorderly conduct” bust no doubt scared the hell out of every smoker in the country. For the first time, we found out that there really are cops in the john, and that the $5000 smoking fine might be enforced. What’s worse, I used to tap out my cigarette on the side of my shoe. No longer. Not only might I pay five grand on a smoking rap, but I could wind up on CNN apologizing for propositioning a cop.

After pleading guilty to the charge, Senator Craig is now in front of the microphones saying he didn’t mean it. He’s not gay, and he’s not guilty. He was confused, and duped. As always, poor people are criminals and rich people make mistakes. What else is new?

I feel sorry for the cops. Not the ones on the street, but the ones that pull toilet duty in the airport. God knows what they go through on a given day. Sitting there staring at poetry such as, Here I sit lonely hearted, came to crap and only farted, or reading For a good time call messages. The stink must be unreal after the long European flights let out. They sit through all of this in the hope that some guy will sit down and make an offer 99% of the population would refuse. These cops cannot be the city’s finest. Only a flunking grade at the academy could get you stuck with this detail.

When you screw up in the army, you have to clean the latrine. When you’re in the bad books as a cop, you have to sit in it and wait for a romantic pass. A lesson for high school kids making a career choice.