Making a List, Checking it Twice

If you want to know when you're heading for Dumpsville, an article on Yahoo gives you the goods. Elina Furman penned the piece, and it's one of those mundane Cosmo articles that pops up on your homepage from time to time.

You know the drill. You click on your homepage and up comes NEWS. It says Bush is an idiot or that Iraq is a failure. As you move to click on this inspired story, the little box changes to ENTERTAINMENT. Now you're looking at Brad Pitt as he breaks up with another wife or girlfriend. Then the little box changes to FOOD, and SPORTS, and so on.

I usually by-pass this stuff, but today I decided to click on Furman's piece. Her by-line is Special to Yahoo Personals, and she's written a piece called 5 Breakup Signs - How to Tell When You're Going to Get the Boot.

I've never been a big fan of lists. They're usually bogus. The Top Ten this and the Number One that are terribly subjective unless they can be backed up by hard facts. Even if the facts are there, the list is generally pointless: The Top 10 Deadliest Poisons in the World is not a list you're likely to see because all of them are deadly, and who cares if you've got an extra minute to live if you drink one but not the other: you're dead, anyway.

Lists also beg the question of who wrote them, and how qualified the author is. Take Ms. Furman. She's written a list of five signs that you're going to get dumped. I doubt she took a college course on this material, so there's only two ways that she can know this stuff. Either she practices these traits on her partners before kicking them to the curb, or she's had them done to her so many times that she's a thirty-something neurotic who sees a breakup around every corner. Being her boyfriend would be a pain in the ass, because she probably walks around with a notebook and writes down everything you say as a 'sign.'

In any event, here's her list, with my constructive comments after each. If Elina is qualified, how can I not be?

1. Picking fights. No one is saying you have to get along 24/7. Constructive conflict can actually be good for your relationship. But if you find that your partner has become argumentative over petty issues like your clothes or choice of restaurant, that should serve as a warning sign that he/she may be looking for an excuse to bail.

Maybe. Or it could be that you dress like a loser or eat at lousy restaurants. I don't think I've ever met a woman who doesn't comment about the way their man dresses. Supposedly they find it cute to throw away a man's favorite t-shirt because it's gone ratty and they hate it. As for the restaurant deal, is there a woman alive who hasn't made the choice of a restaurant seem like a Russian/US Summit Meeting?

2. Forgetting to call. Used to be that your phone would ring all day long with your sweetie wanting to make plans or calling just to say, "I love you." Now your significant other doesn't even call when he/she is running three hours late. It may seem obvious, but going from speed dial to a blocked number is a sure sign that your relationship may be nearing its expiration date.

Perhaps. Or maybe he's finally convinced you not to call him at work. Better yet, maybe you've convinced him that you "need your space." By the way, if you've gone from speed dial to blocked number, it's because you were calling him all the time and he thinks you're a stalker. He's probably correct.

3. Changing their stripes. A major change in appearance can be a sign that your partner is looking toward greener pastures. Whether they've chopped off their hair, lost 40 pounds or gone from a bold brunette to a sultry blonde, major cosmetic changes should be noted. Of course, there's nothing wrong with being a little vain, but if the change is accompanied by any of the other signs listed here, you may need to get ready to go solo.

Let me get this straight. Women bitch when we don't comment on every new outfit and haircut they get, and now we're supposed to pack our bags when we finally take notice? News to me. New clothes, dyed hair, fad diets. Isn't that a typical woman's week?

4. Criticizing. If your sweetie isn't feeling you anymore, don't be surprised if he/she becomes less tolerant of everything, from how you brush your teeth to how you tie your shoes. Constant criticism is a telltale sign that your days as a twosome are numbered.

If someone criticizes how you tie your shoes, they were a headcase to begin with. Don't be afraid of getting dumped. If you're a woman, just walk away and be thankful you did. If you're a man, don't breakup with her. She'll sleep with your friends. The easiest way to speed a woman on the path of dumping your ass is to wait until the next family dinner. Blow a fart at the table, and your relationship is gone with the wind.

5. Losing sexual interest. A healthy sex life can make or break a relationship. If you find that your partner is becoming more sexually aloof, you need to get to the root of the issue. While it's natural to have less sex as you settle into a comfortable groove together, waiting weeks or months to have sexual contact is a sign that something is amiss.

Don't sweat it. He's probably gay. Even if he's not, tell people he is. Especially your gay friends. They'll be in a tizzy to see who can out him first, and it will make your cocktail parties more entertaining.

Now that you know the warning signs, don't panic [too late; you just ruined tonight's dinner for half the couples in North America]. Just because your partner exhibits some of these behaviors, that doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is over [but I thought you just said it did]. In fact, it's usually a combination of signs and not one isolated incident that foreshadows a breakup [thank God; sweetheart just finished saying that I wasn't brushing my teeth correctly. I started to cry].

If you're worried that your partner is itching to get out [you just caused it], the most important thing you can do is sit down and discuss your issues in an honest and open manner [there goes the football game]. If you take these signs as your cue to improve communication, your relationship may just have a fighting chance [if all of these things are so terrible, why are you telling me to fight for the relationship?].

This piece was obviously written by a woman for women. She threw in a couple of he/she bits, but the telltale signs are there. Honest. Open. Communication.

Whatever. Look, if your relationship is headed for the dumps, you don't need a stranger to give you a list. You need to go with your gut. Guy never calls when he's always three hours late? He's balling somebody. Woman doesn't want to have sex with you anymore? She's not attracted to you. Guy constantly picks on your appearance? He's a jerk.

You know these things, but knowing is not believing. No list in the world is going to help you with that problem. Everybody's been there. When friends are calling your boyfriend an idiot or your girlfriend a witch, you know they're right. You just don't want to believe it.

You're on your own with that one.