Grand New Flag

I was driving down a suburban Canadian street today and something caught my eye. A woman was driving one of those scooter machines, the kind that help old people go shopping, pick up groceries, and run down arrogant teenagers.

In her lap was a little girl. Beside the scooter was a black Labrador retriever. His leash was so tight that you'd think the engine had failed and he was towing the scooter down the sidewalk. On the front and back of the scooter were two Canadian flags, the size of Manila envelopes. They wearily flapped in the breeze as this unlikely trio made progress at 3mph.

I thought, where they hell is my camera?

The Canadian flags really made the image. Not one flag, but two flags, and it reminded me of all the Canadian pennants I see on a daily basis. Stuck to houses, jammed in lawns, stamped to beer bottles, hanging from eavestroughs, embroidered on sweaters, stitched to backbacks, emblazoned across bartenders' breasts.

There is no escaping the Canadian flag today. What cracks me up are the Canadians that declare how proud they are to be Canadian, yet bash the Americans for being patriotic.

The difference between the US and Canada can be summed up by the scooter woman: a Canadian would call her cute. If she was in the States and flying American flags, that same Canadian would call her lame.

Point is, Canadians are far more outspoken about their country than Americans are, but won't admit it. The t-shirt Canada Kicks Ass was making the rounds a few years ago, and every time I saw it I wanted to ask, at what? Free (until you pay your taxes) health care? Besides, Canadians are supposed to be the Mr. Nice Guys of the international scene. We have soldiers on our ten dollar bill, and none of them are carrying weapons.

Red Ensign
Canadian arrogance is out of all proportion to its post-Maple Leaf deeds, and the flag tells the story. Well, there isn't actually much of a story. There were committees, and a lot of arguments, and some Federal ramrodding, and bingo: in 1965, you had a Maple Leaf flag take the place of the British Red Ensign.

And that's the whole tale. What does the flag mean? Not much. Contrary to popular belief, the points on the Maple Leaf do not denote the 10 provinces plus territories (back when this would have made sense; Nunavut didn't yet exist). Unlike the Australians, who use their star's points to show how many provinces they have lying around, the Maple Leaf has no significant meaning. In the early days, the leaf had 13 points, or 15, and sometimes more.

Why is the flag red and white? No, not because a patriotic Canadian thought it would be a good idea. It was jolly old King George V that made that decision. In 1921 he said that Canada's national colours would be red and white because the British cross of St. George was red, and the emblem of France was white. So the Canadian flag, adopted as a symbol to separate Canada from Britain, owes it's colours to a British king. Better yet, the flag didn't officially become a symbol of Canada until after Queen Elizabeth II approved it in 1965.

News flash: when you are still seeking approval from foreign queens, you are not, by definition, self-determining. And please don't hand me any commonwealth talk, or that it works both ways. Fly to England and apply for a job. Tell me how far you get.

I read an article about the flag a little while ago regarding the maple leaf. It said the maple leaf was adopted in the 1700's to celebrate the environment and nature of Canada. Unlikely. This smacks of a post-1990's worldview, something that was missing from the canoe toting boys of the 1700's. They were more concerned with such important eco-matters as cutting down trees and killing as many beavers as they could get their hands on. I suspect that the maple leaf was used as a symbol of Canada because there were a lot of maple trees getting in the way. It could just as easily have been a spruce, which would have been quite prophetic: a spruce would greatly resemble the flag of Lebanon, and we all found out last year how many "Canadians" are living there.

Diefenbaker
The Canadian flag isn't really a symbol of anything, at least not anything of historical significance. However, the flag is truly representative of its country. Like the majority of things Canadian, the flag was launched by committee, and raised without consulting the Canadian people. During the great flag debate of 1964, former PM Diefenbaker demanded that a referendum be held on the issue. Lester Pearson used the tyrannical powers of the Canadian prime minister's office to shun that idea. He turned the decision over to a 15-member panel, and they made the decision for everyone. They picked a design from a contest, handed it over to the House of Commons, and that was that.

The flag looks pretty, but it means little. The rules that govern it don't actually exist. When you hear someone say that the flag shouldn't touch the ground, or shouldn't be used to wipe up coffee, they're borrowing from the Americans. There are no rules governing the use or misuse of the Canadian flag. You have every right to fly it over your house, or use it as a lobster bib.

However, there are certain times when the flag should be flown at half-mast. Let's have a look at them. They will tell you a lot about the flag, and a lot about the Canadian people.

- the death of a current or former Prime Minister
- the death of a current or former Governor General
- the death of a member of Federal Cabinet
- the death of the Monarch, or one of her kids, her husband, or mom, or whatever
- April 9th (Vimy Ridge Day; quick, tell me what happened there)
- April 28th (Workers' Mourning Day)
- Last Sunday in September (Police Officers' National Mourning Day)
- November 11th (Remembrance Day)
- December 6th (National Day of Remembrance and Action on Violence Against Women).

There's your list of important half-masters. I have two favorites. The first is the one about the Federal Cabinet. Who says Canada isn't a democracy? We fly a flag at half-mast for important people, but only if they were hand-picked by the PM. If you're walking down the street and ask someone why the flag is at half-mast, grab a cup of coffee. The person just might respond, "Well, the poor President of the Queen's Privy Council for Canada, Minister of Intergovernmental Affairs and Minister of Western Economic Diversification. We lost them last night."

My other favorite is the December 6th deal. Again, you're walking down the street. Again, you ask someone why the flag is at half-mast. Imagine your surprise when they say, "We're bemoaning the fact that Canadians beat and kill a lot of women."

Men don't cut it. Screw 'em, let them die in the street. Kids? We never liked them anyway. But let's be sure to remember the women. Canadian men beat them mercilessly on a daily basis. It must be true. There's only five half-mast days in the calendar year. Why else would one of those days be dedicated to it?

Yes, I know what December 6th is. It's the day that a man walked into the Ecole Polytechnique in Montreal and shot unarmed women. On this day, we are supposed to fly flags at half-mast, wear white or purple ribbons, and hold a minute of silence to hope for an end to violence against women. I've got a better idea: how about we hold a moment of silence to hope that next time, all of the men won't slink out of the room after being ordered to by the patient executioner.

Whatever your chosen day of mourning, if you want a flag, they're yours for the taking. Flags flown on Parliament Hill are available free of charge. All you have to do is ask for one, provided you'll live long enough to see it. The waiting list to obtain a Peace Tower flag is 18 years. By that time, you might be dead. No worries. Tell your family to fly it at half-mast.

Poor Canada. A people with a trademark for a flag, and a national anthem that confuses visiting Red Sox fans. Canadians do not know who they are, and they have forgotten where they're from. We are not proud of ourselves, we are proud of who we are not.

Don't believe me? Fine. Tell me when Flag Day is. It's the day Elizabeth II let us have our flag, and we celebrate it every year. It should be a no-brainer. Go on, tell me.

Now look it up.