Shiver Me Timbers

California lawmakers have passed a bill making it mandatory that global warming be taught in the classroom. The bill is heading to the state assembly, where it will presumably pass. If the Governator signs the bill, then California will be producing enviro-boobs at an even greater pace than it already is.

No surprise. California is always on the cutting edge of stupidity.

As for me, I'm with my geophysicist buddy: "We're in a very long historical curve here," he said over a pint of beer. For a moment I thought he was talking about our binge drinking, but no, he was discussing climate change. If anyone would know about the earth and all the myriad ways it can rise up and kill us, it's this guy.

"The Earth warms and cools," he added. "Always has. These people are morons." Then, to prove his brilliance, he asked a very important question: "Another beer?"

Here's a great line from the National Academy of Sciences report entitled "Climate Change is Real."

"There is now strong evidence that significant global warming is occurring. . . . It is likely that most of the warming in recent decades can be attributed to human activities. This warming has already led to changes in the Earth's climate."

First, if you have to head something, "Climate Change is Real," there's a good chance it isn't. The NAS sound like those guys that froth at the mouth when you say wrestling isn't a real sport.

Second, who says climate change isn't real? There's winter, summer, fall, spring. Lots of change. Why, just the other day, the temperature went from -10C to 0C in no time at all. Then it rained and, in a nice change, the temperature fell, the roads turned to ice, and I almost went into a ditch. That morning, my life was like a Barack Obama campaign: preaching for change while living the audacity of hope.

I want one of these global warming boneheads to come over to my place and start my car in the morning. I've been freezing my ass off for three months, firing up the car, and sitting in it for ten minutes to turn the man-made sludge into man-made oil. While my hands freeze on the wheel and the transmission sticks on the way from second to third, I could use a little warming in my life. Let's start by setting fire to all the copies of "Climate Change is Real."