Weathermen

So there I am shoveling the better part of 8 hours off the windshield of my car. Cold. Snow.

I get in and turn on the radio and what do I hear but the weatherman. I never really paid much attention to the weatherman before. He said it would rain, and sometimes it would. He said it would snow, and sometimes it wouldn't. I dug it. Weather's funny that way.

To me, the weatherman is either the comic relief on the morning news shows, the bonehead on the radio that tries to make the weather sound as important as the political headlines, or the chick with big hooters that couldn't cut it as an actress.

Anyway, today the weatherman sounded especially pleased with himself. There was a big snowstorm here all day long, and the weatherman couldn't be happier about it.

In breathless whispers he told the afternoon drive DJ that we'd had quite a big "snow event." A little west of here, there was more of an "ice pellet event," and later on tonight we could expect a "rain event." Tomorrow there will be another "rain event," but as of right now, today's "event" stands out as a real doozy. Then he went on to add that we probably won't see average temperatures until the middle of March.

I have an event I'd like to see. Like, say, this particular weatherman getting kicked in the balls.

The news programs have gotten completely out of hand. No more snow storms, no more rain. They're "events." In the summer, you have a "humidex," but in the winter you have a "wind chill."

"It's a heat wave today, folks. We'll have a thunderstorm event in the evening. So far it's 80 degrees. BUT the humidex will make it feel like 110."

Kiss my ass. In the winter, the cold gets hyped, in the summer, the heat. Why isn't there a wind chill in the summer?

"This afternoon it will be minus 5. BUT the wind chill will make it feel like minus 50."

Says who? I'd like to see the "feels like" thermometer. And then I'd like to ask the weatherman how it feels after I jam it up his rear end.