Martini Please, But Hold the Olives

There's a new term floating around for women with eating disorders. It's called Drunkorexia.

I read it this morning for the first time, and I had no idea what it was. A strangely stooped dinosaur fossil found in Utah? A misspelling of my last party night, which was a "Drunkorama?"

Drunkorexia apparently involves a total lack of food and way too much sauce. Women with the problem will avoid food all day, in anticipation of their boozy caloric intake that evening.

Now I get it. That skinny woman with the terrible laugh and frazzled hair wasn't an annoying booze hound. She was Drunkorexic.

This is what me and my college buddies used to call "life." When we sat down for a slab of pizza, we'd dig in with reckless abandon until somebody said, "Don't eat too much. We're drinking tonight." At which point the beer-drinking lads would drop crust, while a few others would shrug and say, "I'm on rum."

We weren't too concerned about caloric intake. Nobody said that they were embarrassed to have their mother's thighs, and the only way our problem resembled an eating disorder was the puke factor, which mostly came much later in the evening. I never thought the medical community would come up with a name for it. It may be "Drunkorexia" today, but for us it was a run of the mill study night.

They did a segment on the Today show about the dangers of Drunkorexia, and the earnest host asked a shrink, "So, let's say I'm going to have a couple of drinks tonight, and I decide to skip lunch. Is that a problem?"

Hell, no. As any good drinker knows, skipping lunch has nothing to do with it. It's dinner that counts. Men don't mind if women drink on an empty stomach because there is a greater chance that the woman will take off her tube top while line-dancing on the bar. This can lead to tragedy, however, if the man is actually dating the woman. If he's dating her, there's a real possibility that he will have to hold her hair back at 3am while she projectile vomits into the john. If he's not dating her, he can simply take some photos on his cell phone and have them on the net by midnight.

As a general rule, you shouldn't drink on an empty stomach unless you want to wake up with an ugly person. Most of the heartbreaking "walks of shame" that take place can be blamed on the evil combination of an empty gut and Jello shooters. Women have been known to go home with men that wear lousy shoes for this reason alone.

Why women care what men think is beyond me. Men want to sleep with you anyway, especially if they meet you in a bar. It a scientific fact that every beer a man consumes drops 5 pounds from the woman he's looking at. After a six-pack, most women look great, and after a keg party, it's like the place is full of runway models.

The "Drunkorexia" label smells a little fishy to me. It was probably invented by a woman that was tired of being called a lush. The way the world works now, you can give yourself a label and everyone will be understanding of any asinine thing you do.

Before Drunkorexia:

Janet: "You believe that bitch? She just grabbed Steve's ass."
Sue: "That slut's always hammered."
Donna: "Never saw a martini she didn't like. And what's the deal with her hair?"

After Drunkorexia:

Janet: "Oh, no, she's at it again."
Sue: "Grabbed Steve's ass?"
Janet: "Yeah. He feels sorry for her."
Donna: "She told me that she still needs to lose five pounds."
Sue: "Really? When was this?"
Donna: "I invited her over for dinner and she never showed. Told me to start without her."
Janet: "Then it's serious."

As if guys didn't have a hard enough time getting laid, now they have to fight the medical establishment. The next time you see a hot lady in a bar, you'll have that sneaking suspicion: does she really go to the gym and work out a lot, or is she a mental case that says pass the Corona and hold the lime?